So T-Mag finally released their Ultimate Super Mega Peri-Workout Protocol based on the ANACONDA!!!!! supplement they’ve been hyping since about 2006.

When you’re talking about ANACONDA!!! you have to preserve a few rules. Firstly, YOU HAVE TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND USE THE BIGGEST BOLD-FACE FONT YOU HAVE AVAILABLE!!!! EVERY SENTENCE MUST END WITH EXCESSIVE PUNCTUATION!!!!

To be a bit more serious, if you actually sit down and read the labels on all the overpriced crap they’re hocking, you find (or at least deduce) a few interesting things.

The ANACONDA!!! Protocol is based on four supplements. We have of course the namesake, ANACONDA!!!! itself, billed as the Anabolic Load^TM; there’s the MAG-10 Anabolic Pulse^TM; the FINiBAR workout bars; and something called Alpha-GPC.

We’ve all been waiting with baited breath to see what was gonna be in this stuff. Now that it’s out, we can finally have a look.

The protocol as-written is only suggesting around 10g of protein * 5 scoops (3 scoops of Anabolic Load^TM and 2 scoops of Anabolic Pulse^TM), which is ~50g of protein. It gets murky because they also claim ~21g of Anabolic Load^TM per scoop, and I’ve got no idea if this is to be considered part of the actual protein content, or if it’s just 11g of citrulline malate (21g minus the 10g of leucine-enhanced worthless crap casein hydrolysate). Even in the absolute best case scenario, with a total of 31g per scoop, you’d wind up with 150g of protein.

To see why casein hydrolysate isn’t the best choice, see Lyle’s latest research review. Looks like there is such a thing as “too fast”, and all of this stuff is feeding your guts anyway.

In any case, they claim that it comes out at 167g of protein and “anabolic aminos”. Who knows what math they’re using, honestly.

The MAG-10 protein supposedly complements the ANACONDA!!!!, though a glance at the label indicates that it’s simply Bio-Test’s Anabolic Pulse^TM, minus the other goodies in the main event.

ANACONDA!!! is rounded out with a proprietary blend containing a worthless overpriced new form of creatine and our friend beta-alanine, and another mixture of electrolytes. Creatine and beta-alanine are both tried-and-true supplements that do actually work; paying what Bio-Test is charging for them, however, has never been proven to be effective in clinical trials. As for the electrolytes, go price Gatorade – or a container of salt.

The interesting bit about beta-alanine is that it’s one of those supplements that gives you instant feedback, so you know it’s working brah. For the record, I’ve been taking beta-alanine for about three months now, and let me tell you that even a dose of 4-5g will quickly have you itching like a crackhead about 10 minutes after the dosing. If they’ve really dropped in a dose of 10-15g, then the Real T-Men are going to be reporting some major jolts. That just means it’s working!

The FINiBAR things, aka protein bars with sugar, add 13g a piece, for a total of 39g protein. These are allegedly full of magical carbs, which is the selling point here. Interestingly enough they’re billing this as “insulinogenic protein”, as if it’s something special, even though the label says it’s just a blend of milk protein isolate and whey isolate. Woo.

Alpha-GPC is a bit slippery. One serving is listed as 900mg of L-alpha-Glycerophosphocholine, which Bio-Test is billing as an acetylcholine precursor. There may be something to this, but as usual you can bet it’s overblown: claims include such epic bullshit as increasing fast-twitch fiber recruitment, and the one that really gives it away, claims of increased GH secretion. A supplement claiming to increase GH is like the Godwin’s Law of supplement ads. If you say your supplement increases GH, you’ve automatically lost. They claim their head scientist has done some study on it, which of course is unpublished. Big surprise there.

As an acetylcholine precursor, it probably would do some fun and/or neat things, as nootropics tend to do. Wonder supplement it is not. I will say that as supplements go, nootropics are the ones that I tend to like the most. Consider it a legal kind of high. Whether it actually helps lifting or not is anybody’s guess, but I’ve never found mood elevation and extra focus to hamper my working-out. And Alpha-GPC is not actually priced that badly – a rare thing from this company.

Of course you can pick up a healthy stash of DMAE and aniracetam (not to mention everything else they’re selling) over at Beyond-a-Century for even less, so…

Long story short, it turns out I’ve been doing the damn ANACONDA!!!! protocol for quite awhile now, with the combination of creatine, beta-alanine, and a big hit of protein before and during my workouts. If I just added in a big dash of salt and some maltodextrin, I’d be in the damn zone!

I was going to name it the MATTACONDA!!!! protocol, but Matt Wray fucking beat me to it.

So I’ll just call this the Ghetto ANACONDA!!!! protocol. It’s like the real thing, only it costs about 10% of what Bio-Test is ripping off charging its marks customers.

I didn’t gain 35 lbs of muscle in just 7 weeks(!!!!!111), so I must be doing it wrong. I think it’s because I didn’t get the special carb source that was extracted from a special strain of wheat that only grows on the north face of Mount Everest and can only be harvested between high noon and 1pm on the summer solstice by a Buddhist monk born with the sign of the chosen one.

That’s why you pay Bio-Test for these things. That’s why.